new blood

You didn't see it in my smile. The confident way I held my cigarette, as I tipped my cocktail to take a generous sip. But it was there. It was brewing, bubbling, beaming through the hazed vision of my eyes.

It was fear.

I was afraid. Of you. Of what you are becoming, and what you have become so far. I wish now I that could take back the words I said. The theories I made to make sense of your situation. Because it was me, in my nature, to make sense of things. It was an inherent flaw. How being right felt so wrong. Because right now, I don't want to be right. Because you, who you are, is slowly becoming wrong.

I see it. Nuanced and subtle. The transformation that spells a change. A catalyst that leads to an evolution.

I don't blame you, though. You're young, and exploring this newfound confidence gives you impetus, and license, to create the man you wish to be. The man you feel you should be.

I'm afraid because I've seen it happen to others. And I too went through something similar, years back. When I had no precedent to contrast and compare with. When I had no mentors to keep me grounded. But I am not your mentor. I'm merely a classmate. A passenger in your journey, an occasional companion. Your sputnik in silence.

I'm a spectator.

So I kept silent. And observed.

“Ang sarap. Hindi ako makatulog pagkatapos.”

“Yun ba ang objective mo?”

“Hindi naman. Pero I had it in mind.”

“Kung nag-enjoy ka, tama na yung dahilan.”

“Parang yung sinabi mo dati.”

“Predator?”

"Oo." 

“Basta ingat lang. Alam mo naman kung hanggang saan ka.” 

“Yun ang hindi ko masagot ngayon.”

I smiled. Because, at some level, I was happy for you.

You smiled too. But it was a different smile. Everything about it was. Everything about you was.

How the glint of your eyes was luminescent with a different intensity. How your being glowed with a sensual awakening. How your smile no longer warmed, but inflamed. How every mannerism and gesture was now taut, bursting, owning. Because you may have the same shell, but the soul is different.

Maybe you knew it too. And was equally afraid.

That that future is now a heartbeat away.

But, I couldn't tell.

Image from here.